Start with the bacon. The smell will attract all your fellow expeditioners to crowd into the melon and give you advice that you didn’t need, and take up critical space needed to move around the kitchen.
As you cook rounds of bacon, put them in the oven so that they’re out of sight so you don't get comments on the amount of bacon you have chosen to cook and you have to explain to each person in turn why and how you’ve chosen to cook breakfast.
Get an offsider to prepare the eggs. Egg powder and long-life cream shouldn’t take too long to mix together but inevitably you will run out of egg powder half-way through. You will then have to go and find the big bucket, which has of course been moved somewhere else, and everyone in the kitchen will have an idea of where it might be and where it should be kept in the future.
Top up the kitchen container of egg powder. Do this by scooping the container straight into the powder so that the outside of the container gets covered in powder that then spreads all over the floor and surfaces, and you then spend a long time cleaning said powder.
In the meantime, someone else will decide that you’re taking too long and will take over the cooking of the egg. Soon everyone who is not cooking the egg will pipe up about how the egg should be cooked; what implement should be used for stirring, and in which direction it should be stirred.
Soon, someone will realise that there should be toast and promptly pace and weave between people to collect bread, chopping board, and knife, as well as trays to put the bacon in, even though the bacon is already on a tray in the oven, as has already been explained multiple times.
A discussion about stove real estate will soon ensue – how do we make space for pan-frying toast when there are already eggs and bacon cooking on the stove? Even though said eggs and bacon are nearly cooked. At this point someone will ask about whether the bacon should go in the oven because they haven’t heard the previous discussions about the bacon in the oven.
Next will be a lengthy discussion about which serving implement the eggs should be served with, with everyone questioning everyone else’s opinion on every implement.
Eventually all the breakfast elements will reach the table and everyone will sit and stare at the breakfast, wondering who will get up and eat first.
– Jo McCormack, Bunger Hills Expeditioner.
