Confessions of a dummy: How I went missing on Macquarie Island
For years I’ve been treated like a dummy because I am a dummy, which makes life simpler in many ways. No need to speak. No need to walk. Just turn up, lie down, and wait for the attention to roll in. And trust me, I love being the centre of attention.
Shortly after the 79th ANARE team arrived on Macquarie Island, station training swung into action ahead of the winter season. Naturally, they needed someone dependable, easy‑going, and unlikely to complain about being dragged across tussock in sub‑Antarctic weather. Enter me.
The exercise scenario was simple: “Brian the plumber” had gone missing. Last seen at breakfast around 0600. Known to wander. Frequently distracted by photography opportunities, fire alarms, and anything vaguely interesting. My laid‑back nature had clearly been taken for granted once again.
The SAR alarm sounded, the station mustered, and suddenly I was the star of my own island‑wide manhunt. Around 20 people fanned out across buildings, tracks and coastline, searching for me with military precision.
Here’s the thing though: I was dressed in bright orange. Not subtle orange. Not tasteful orange. Emergency‑flare, traffic‑cone, highly visible orange.
And yet it still took 20 people a full 38 minutes to find me.
To be fair, Macquarie Island doesn’t make things easy. The wind was doing its usual sideways thing, the terrain was dramatic, and clues attributed to “me” kept turning up everywhere—boots, gloves, glasses—painting a picture of a man who had wandered enthusiastically but not particularly logically.
Eventually, I was discovered reclining contentedly near the coast, tucked against a bank as though I’d chosen the spot myself purely for the grand reveal. The rescue was swift, professional, and involved far more people than strictly necessary for someone incapable of movement.
I was stretchered back to the medical room, diagnosed with nothing at all, and declared both safe and profoundly unintelligent. If these legends can locate a silent, orange‑clad dummy with zero survival instincts on a wild sub‑Antarctic island, then winter doesn’t stand much of a chance.
And me? I’ll be resting quietly ... until my next starring role.
